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Adrift After Being Between the Devil and the Deep Blue sea
On a ship the devil board is the thin bead of wood that separated the hull of the ship from the deck and the super structure. You can with patience get a purchase on it but it is difficult under the best of conditions. To be between the devil and the deep blue sea is to be on this vicarious perch. In this case it is an excellent metaphor for my current situation. Emotionally living day to day and living the motto "There is nothing that will happen today that I can't handle" I know this state is not long term and I am probably at the end of its viable life cycle after years of unmanaged day to day, crisis to crisis living. This is a very real attempt to get out of an unhealthy state.
This morning after my shift I had the opportunity to ponder a conversation with a partner about one of their writings. It was enlightening in that it highlighted one of my touch stones of self image. The fighter. I am even though, I am inactive a fencer. it is a pervasive and integrated part of my life. To be blunt the ability I have lost is easily gained back by practice or more aptly put conditioning the body to the level of required performance. The model I use for the archetype is chivalric, I look to the set of idealizations of knights for markers on what fits or does not fit with my image of what kind of fighter I am. I take it a step further and name the knight I use as my base line. In the conversation I said Lancelot and his fall were my models for chivalric conduct. That was an incorrect statement. The fall isn't that far and let's face it Arthur was a tosser. It is closer to Athos and his plummet from grace. A nobleman who attempted to murder his wife for no other reason the her hidden brand and the shame it brought, he later executed her for actual crimes like murder but that is rich out of him considering the number of people he killed. Nominally a kings man, because he paid, but had no problem defying the representative of the king's state, Richelieu. His only saving grace were the principles he lived by. Yes my friends I picked one of the premier assholes in literature as a role model. In the conversation the point was made that the chivalric model was designed to save face above all. I can't argue that point but I can point out that my chivalric idea is about coping with the loss of face when you can't fall any farther.
In the community I am part of the chiv play the major role in deciding how things are going to go. I used to think the short hand of chiv was silly and demeaning to the ideals we expose. Now I realize that it is an apt name akin to a street gang. Everybody wants in because nobody fucks with the chiv, they get fucked by the chiv. (which may be an actual quote but I can't remember. ) My definition of chiv has actually expanded to include the made people in fencing, the arts and service. I have seen Chiv threaten to ruin some one hobby because things were not going their collective way socially. I have seen and been on the receiving end of "lessons" in humility. That is what is called a beating for the unenlightened. I have witnessed flagrant acts of cheating that became the systemic norm. I have even made the choice to not call out the act rather than risk repercussions. Chiv crushing people because, abusing power and over all being bullies. I myself am a made guy and not matter how much I distance my self from the bad behavior and disreputable people, I am still part of the system that has its boot on the necks of people. The knights in particular seem to be out of hand. the but the rest are not much better. They have not earned my trust after 30 years and twenty as a made guy. If I have not said to you that "I don't think you are a bully or a problem", just go with you are a bully and the problem.
Before anyone thinks this is an anti royal anti SCA hierarchy rant remember the title "adrift between the devil and the deep blue sea." This is actually about coming to terms with an identity that may have toby free of the chivalric idea. I may have to drop my thoughts of being a fighter of noble and semi worth while bearing. I am trained, for what it is worth and I can take and give out a lot of hurt. I am steeped in the mythology and lore of warriors and I have the experience to guide and teach the willing. Today I wonder if my partner is right. It is all just saving face. Implying a compulsive and complex campaign of not facing reality, by creating a narrative based in coped glory. To sum up and simplify I am adrift today because my life may be a lie and I may actually be the weakness, propping my self up.
This morning after my shift I had the opportunity to ponder a conversation with a partner about one of their writings. It was enlightening in that it highlighted one of my touch stones of self image. The fighter. I am even though, I am inactive a fencer. it is a pervasive and integrated part of my life. To be blunt the ability I have lost is easily gained back by practice or more aptly put conditioning the body to the level of required performance. The model I use for the archetype is chivalric, I look to the set of idealizations of knights for markers on what fits or does not fit with my image of what kind of fighter I am. I take it a step further and name the knight I use as my base line. In the conversation I said Lancelot and his fall were my models for chivalric conduct. That was an incorrect statement. The fall isn't that far and let's face it Arthur was a tosser. It is closer to Athos and his plummet from grace. A nobleman who attempted to murder his wife for no other reason the her hidden brand and the shame it brought, he later executed her for actual crimes like murder but that is rich out of him considering the number of people he killed. Nominally a kings man, because he paid, but had no problem defying the representative of the king's state, Richelieu. His only saving grace were the principles he lived by. Yes my friends I picked one of the premier assholes in literature as a role model. In the conversation the point was made that the chivalric model was designed to save face above all. I can't argue that point but I can point out that my chivalric idea is about coping with the loss of face when you can't fall any farther.
In the community I am part of the chiv play the major role in deciding how things are going to go. I used to think the short hand of chiv was silly and demeaning to the ideals we expose. Now I realize that it is an apt name akin to a street gang. Everybody wants in because nobody fucks with the chiv, they get fucked by the chiv. (which may be an actual quote but I can't remember. ) My definition of chiv has actually expanded to include the made people in fencing, the arts and service. I have seen Chiv threaten to ruin some one hobby because things were not going their collective way socially. I have seen and been on the receiving end of "lessons" in humility. That is what is called a beating for the unenlightened. I have witnessed flagrant acts of cheating that became the systemic norm. I have even made the choice to not call out the act rather than risk repercussions. Chiv crushing people because, abusing power and over all being bullies. I myself am a made guy and not matter how much I distance my self from the bad behavior and disreputable people, I am still part of the system that has its boot on the necks of people. The knights in particular seem to be out of hand. the but the rest are not much better. They have not earned my trust after 30 years and twenty as a made guy. If I have not said to you that "I don't think you are a bully or a problem", just go with you are a bully and the problem.
Before anyone thinks this is an anti royal anti SCA hierarchy rant remember the title "adrift between the devil and the deep blue sea." This is actually about coming to terms with an identity that may have toby free of the chivalric idea. I may have to drop my thoughts of being a fighter of noble and semi worth while bearing. I am trained, for what it is worth and I can take and give out a lot of hurt. I am steeped in the mythology and lore of warriors and I have the experience to guide and teach the willing. Today I wonder if my partner is right. It is all just saving face. Implying a compulsive and complex campaign of not facing reality, by creating a narrative based in coped glory. To sum up and simplify I am adrift today because my life may be a lie and I may actually be the weakness, propping my self up.