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Jun. 3rd, 2021 02:44 pm
Crashes and hang ups
I have been staring at this screen for quite some time, waiting, hoping that the words will come, that there will be a point to that time spent in nothing. There is a dog next to me sighing in her sleep and groaning when I pet her. I can list all the things I should have done today in this time. Photo editing, hot spot test, photoshop research, practice, writing about my fencing. I am under that steady pressure that comes from the uncertainty that is linked to the capricious nature of others. Will the job last? Can I make the schedule work. Will this person talk to me? Will I take yet another cut from a stranger. Will anybody notice? Is today the day that the slack gives and I find myself in danger?
My off hand is reaching over and petting my dog. She is old now, which means bad eyesight, even less bladder control, the cruel whip of genetics, her uncertainty in the face of change. In short she is dependent on me right now. today we walked, cuddled andI sat wither while she drank. I carried her up the stairs, let her sniff my face and we sat together. All of which is important and keeps her heart murmur in check. A this moment she is getting in her nap.
it has been hard to put my understanding of what I need to do when it comes to other people into practice. The whole do your own time, mind your own shit idea is harder than ever. Not chasing people down for time and measuring the distance between hope and the destructive capacity of expectations. The other day I said "My desire to participate was waning." it was over an incident at practice a week ago. A person who had no depth to their fighting decided after the first pass to start teaching me. I knew why even before they commented on my mobility. It seemed like there was a bit of neuro divergent in play. I took a moment, picked my words and made my will know. "Don't do that." Then proceeded to just hit them in the same spot repeatedly. A matter of fact moment with no emotional investment. All I did was establish a conditional boundary. That incident was enough to make going back a bit dreadful. I was / am afraid that I will have to redo all the work to be taken seriously.
This week it wasn't an issue as "mind you own shit and do your own time." was working. I was there for me, I helped when asked, commiserated when I could and did my work for the day. I can see people struggling to get their equilibrium back and finding the line between reality and excuse. None of which has anything to do with me. The management of Kalipsis and faux andrea ( fear and false courage) are my focus these days.
So here I sit having done the hard work of articulating my own shortcomings while making my puppy comfortable. The rest of the work can wait til later.
My off hand is reaching over and petting my dog. She is old now, which means bad eyesight, even less bladder control, the cruel whip of genetics, her uncertainty in the face of change. In short she is dependent on me right now. today we walked, cuddled andI sat wither while she drank. I carried her up the stairs, let her sniff my face and we sat together. All of which is important and keeps her heart murmur in check. A this moment she is getting in her nap.
it has been hard to put my understanding of what I need to do when it comes to other people into practice. The whole do your own time, mind your own shit idea is harder than ever. Not chasing people down for time and measuring the distance between hope and the destructive capacity of expectations. The other day I said "My desire to participate was waning." it was over an incident at practice a week ago. A person who had no depth to their fighting decided after the first pass to start teaching me. I knew why even before they commented on my mobility. It seemed like there was a bit of neuro divergent in play. I took a moment, picked my words and made my will know. "Don't do that." Then proceeded to just hit them in the same spot repeatedly. A matter of fact moment with no emotional investment. All I did was establish a conditional boundary. That incident was enough to make going back a bit dreadful. I was / am afraid that I will have to redo all the work to be taken seriously.
This week it wasn't an issue as "mind you own shit and do your own time." was working. I was there for me, I helped when asked, commiserated when I could and did my work for the day. I can see people struggling to get their equilibrium back and finding the line between reality and excuse. None of which has anything to do with me. The management of Kalipsis and faux andrea ( fear and false courage) are my focus these days.
So here I sit having done the hard work of articulating my own shortcomings while making my puppy comfortable. The rest of the work can wait til later.