Apr. 25th, 2019 04:42 pm
The unforgivable
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raev Things are going day by day and manageable day by day. Think that is my norm for a while. I woke up today and had a good conversation but wound up going around a bit as reminders crept in on the ex. Which lead to thinking of the people who were so problematic to me that they are gone. Rather than hide from it i am letting it hit the page, naming it and dealing with it. Articulating the damage and reasoning.
I didn't always handle it well but at that point is there really a handle it well involved . F is gone because no mother should treat her child the way she treated me. MH is gone because she gas lighted me over a year and a half when a bit of courage would have done a much better job than gutting me while I was outside my support system. J and M are gone due to a catastrophic lack of understanding that a life that isn't yours isn't your entertainment. CM is gone because he picked bullshit over morals, we have had one good conversation but that's not enough. H is gone due to being the hand of a prolonged and continual humiliation. Ironically not culminating in" just stay down son." but rather in the utterly inappropriate "you need to control your anger son" speech. An Ironic, incorrect and utterly motivated by being a man who dated my ex-wife and playing the wise old lord. Sad truth is the man lies like most people piss. I have heard stories I was there for told in a way that was either humiliation for me or told as if H did them while not actually being present. The original pony is gone for playing me and a friend off of each other. Mi is gone due to a desire to bring everything down to a level so low I can't see day light and putting me in a physical situation where I could not get away and basically felt i had no choice but to capitulate and perform to extricate to safety. D is gone because he betrayed the ideal he sold. t/p is gone for that perverse game of destroy before break up, cracking my life like an egg because it was fun and expecting me to crawl back. DW is gone for making choices for me before I could say what I wanted, in a manner that meant it was a done deal before I knew anything happened. T is gone for just outright lying and costing me a few hundred in fees over a pittance of money.
I some times feel guilty about all of this, and I wonder if I am broken because I can't, won't or feel no need forgive. Then there is the pride that these people hate me, To be hated by such as these is affirmation that I am in my own way following a consistent and pervasive code of conduct that is iron clad. Some of them are so toxic I would opt out of connection with some one I liked to maintain the barrier. F, T/P, H, T and MH top that list. It isn't that people have to hate the people I hate, but rather I have the option to say no thank you. If some one has a significant relationship with them I want the option to be gone due to my hard limit.
It is interesting to see the list assembled like this, as if I am looking at the embodiment of my fears and where they came from. They have no access, they can't get to me. It feels good to get it al out in one place rather than mentally deal with the disjointed ebb ad flow of the emotional tides.
I didn't always handle it well but at that point is there really a handle it well involved . F is gone because no mother should treat her child the way she treated me. MH is gone because she gas lighted me over a year and a half when a bit of courage would have done a much better job than gutting me while I was outside my support system. J and M are gone due to a catastrophic lack of understanding that a life that isn't yours isn't your entertainment. CM is gone because he picked bullshit over morals, we have had one good conversation but that's not enough. H is gone due to being the hand of a prolonged and continual humiliation. Ironically not culminating in" just stay down son." but rather in the utterly inappropriate "you need to control your anger son" speech. An Ironic, incorrect and utterly motivated by being a man who dated my ex-wife and playing the wise old lord. Sad truth is the man lies like most people piss. I have heard stories I was there for told in a way that was either humiliation for me or told as if H did them while not actually being present. The original pony is gone for playing me and a friend off of each other. Mi is gone due to a desire to bring everything down to a level so low I can't see day light and putting me in a physical situation where I could not get away and basically felt i had no choice but to capitulate and perform to extricate to safety. D is gone because he betrayed the ideal he sold. t/p is gone for that perverse game of destroy before break up, cracking my life like an egg because it was fun and expecting me to crawl back. DW is gone for making choices for me before I could say what I wanted, in a manner that meant it was a done deal before I knew anything happened. T is gone for just outright lying and costing me a few hundred in fees over a pittance of money.
I some times feel guilty about all of this, and I wonder if I am broken because I can't, won't or feel no need forgive. Then there is the pride that these people hate me, To be hated by such as these is affirmation that I am in my own way following a consistent and pervasive code of conduct that is iron clad. Some of them are so toxic I would opt out of connection with some one I liked to maintain the barrier. F, T/P, H, T and MH top that list. It isn't that people have to hate the people I hate, but rather I have the option to say no thank you. If some one has a significant relationship with them I want the option to be gone due to my hard limit.
It is interesting to see the list assembled like this, as if I am looking at the embodiment of my fears and where they came from. They have no access, they can't get to me. It feels good to get it al out in one place rather than mentally deal with the disjointed ebb ad flow of the emotional tides.