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May. 8th, 2019
May. 8th, 2019 09:46 pm
Things that need to be
My mother would be so proud of the person I have become. I alway thought I was my father's son, but I am in fact the inheritor of my mother's legacy. Her anger, her teaching about problem solving and coping, her rejection. The woman should never have had kids. Is it her fault? My grandfather was horrible to her, she was abusive toward me. This isn't about her. I was born disabled and that was pretty rough. It came with a great any obstacles that were easier when I was younger but became progressively harder as I got older. Mobility is the least issue, social issues are the bigger problem. This isn't about being disabled. Nor is it about murder, murderers, PTSD or everything that comes with that. All of these issues are serious but together they form a gravity well. They all have two common points. One they impede progress and two they all should have been dealt with long ago. The narrative they form is one of risk aversion, fear and clinging to every bit of happiness like it is the last ever. End result like every miser you don't get to enjoy happiness.
As I said earlier my mother would be proud that I am an angry person locked in a set of narrative the have gravity al their own. At some point I have to come to terms with the idea that I can let it all go and start acting like a human being instead of the rage machine I am. I think I had it for a bit but like any addict slipped back into the patterns under stress. At 50 it is about time I stop engaging in self destructive behavior and tale she steps forward before i die alone and slow.
As I said earlier my mother would be proud that I am an angry person locked in a set of narrative the have gravity al their own. At some point I have to come to terms with the idea that I can let it all go and start acting like a human being instead of the rage machine I am. I think I had it for a bit but like any addict slipped back into the patterns under stress. At 50 it is about time I stop engaging in self destructive behavior and tale she steps forward before i die alone and slow.
May. 8th, 2019 09:46 pm
Things that need to be
My mother would be so proud of the person I have become. I alway thought I was my father's son, but I am in fact the inheritor of my mother's legacy. Her anger, her teaching about problem solving and coping, her rejection. The woman should never have had kids. Is it her fault? My grandfather was horrible to her, she was abusive toward me. This isn't about her. I was born disabled and that was pretty rough. It came with a great any obstacles that were easier when I was younger but became progressively harder as I got older. Mobility is the least issue, social issues are the bigger problem. This isn't about being disabled. Nor is it about murder, murderers, PTSD or everything that comes with that. All of these issues are serious but together they form a gravity well. They all have two common points. One they impede progress and two they all should have been dealt with long ago. The narrative they form is one of risk aversion, fear and clinging to every bit of happiness like it is the last ever. End result like every miser you don't get to enjoy happiness.
As I said earlier my mother would be proud that I am an angry person locked in a set of narrative the have gravity al their own. At some point I have to come to terms with the idea that I can let it all go and start acting like a human being instead of the rage machine I am. I think I had it for a bit but like any addict slipped back into the patterns under stress. At 50 it is about time I stop engaging in self destructive behavior and tale she steps forward before i die alone and slow. It was a hard thing make the connection between me and dear old mom. Maybe that will light a fire.
As I said earlier my mother would be proud that I am an angry person locked in a set of narrative the have gravity al their own. At some point I have to come to terms with the idea that I can let it all go and start acting like a human being instead of the rage machine I am. I think I had it for a bit but like any addict slipped back into the patterns under stress. At 50 it is about time I stop engaging in self destructive behavior and tale she steps forward before i die alone and slow. It was a hard thing make the connection between me and dear old mom. Maybe that will light a fire.