A change in training

 The train is passing amongst the green by the Hudson near Albany.  I am sad and nostalgic for what this land symbolized.  Setting this aside I am taking in the events of the day.  A welcome out reach that provided insight and motivation.  I am thinking that an important part of the upcoming process will be based in martial study.  There are tools with in that. Calm focus and repetition.  Of paramount importance is right speech, right mind, right action.  That is strongest when practiced, martial study is an excellent vehicle of practice.  Study of the sword canoe divided in intent by Jutsu and Do, Justsu is the martial application technique for fighting.  Do is the way, martial study for improvement of the self.  I have always resisted Do as being not for me.  Now it may be  the perfect distillation of "Get up now or never get up again."

In no way will this take the place of the real and as of yet undiscovered country of modern therapy. My hope is to cultivate an advantage for my self.  I want to be positive and honest with my self and others.  This stage of things feels risky as ideas feel good and I  do not want that to pass in my thinking as progress.  I need real and concrete, measurable and accountable. My intention is to be transparent with this process and make it impossible to hide or bargain it away.   I know the fight for honesty is going to be a long one.  Small steps one at a time.

(no subject)

 While it is important to show the work, it is not important show the drafts that lead to the work.  rereading much of what I was working on shows incredible defensiveness and short sighted thinking.  I am glad I worked through it and I left one summation up.  It is unfortunately malformed and not as clear as I would like.

(no subject)

Tonight i resisted posting possible attention seeking behaviours.  Instead. I am talking about the experience of my day.  Getting off the train was not fun.  With people blocking and cutting me off. Afterward I recognized that i was spinning up over how people we interacting.  Minor tbings ramping up emotionally. I stopped.i was still anoyed but not really mad or put out.