![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Dec. 4th, 2019 02:11 pm
Recognizing Danger
My explanation for going off line and why it will be a bit. I have been feeling better, up beat with more energy. I can face the job, do it well and move on. I can face the job hunt clear headed and able to proceed. Sleep is still iffy but over all it is still forward. Now that I have energy I also recognize I have more ability to act on things that bother me. The absolutism gets a stronger voice. "You don't have to put up with that, you don't have to put up with jack shit." The Envoy kicks in with full attitude, awareness reaches out with an eye to social lethality. Having your brain say "Go ahead, fuck with me." Coupled with an itchy trigger finger for the "cut off" is a bad combination. Looking to hurt anyone who looks at you side ways to get that emotional hit you can now feel is a bad plan no matter how good it would feel.
The signs there is a problem. When I feel good enough and have enough energy to be actively angry as opposed to emotionally flat lined where only the extremes make a dent. When I want to nuke face book and the rest of my windows of contact to watch the pretty colors as they burn. When impulsive an impatience seem to be a fine idea. When self indulgence makes perfect sense. When close friend are wrong for breathing or their poor judgement leads to questioning their association with me. When memes are just a way to get angry. When strangers and people you know of are easier due to a low need to invest. When your last back up plan is "Hey there is always the train option."
The option of taking a few days away from the internet isn't an attempt to cut off, it is more like recognizing you have the flu and taking time off from work least you infect everybody. I recognize that my sense of absolutism is in play and I have the energy to act. Other than take a risk. I am riding it out away from the stimuli that will push it. It is going to take some time, a few good books, blankets, soup and fresh air. Saturday I may go to the met. I have plans to get my pass port photo. There are also trains to book once i know when work goes dark and starts up again in the end of December.
The signs there is a problem. When I feel good enough and have enough energy to be actively angry as opposed to emotionally flat lined where only the extremes make a dent. When I want to nuke face book and the rest of my windows of contact to watch the pretty colors as they burn. When impulsive an impatience seem to be a fine idea. When self indulgence makes perfect sense. When close friend are wrong for breathing or their poor judgement leads to questioning their association with me. When memes are just a way to get angry. When strangers and people you know of are easier due to a low need to invest. When your last back up plan is "Hey there is always the train option."
The option of taking a few days away from the internet isn't an attempt to cut off, it is more like recognizing you have the flu and taking time off from work least you infect everybody. I recognize that my sense of absolutism is in play and I have the energy to act. Other than take a risk. I am riding it out away from the stimuli that will push it. It is going to take some time, a few good books, blankets, soup and fresh air. Saturday I may go to the met. I have plans to get my pass port photo. There are also trains to book once i know when work goes dark and starts up again in the end of December.