"Alright Then, War" - Anger and Solution processing

[raev]

 

 

 

I have a fundamental problem, I am weak.  My sword is heavy, my will sporadic and my body weary.  I am weak.  Which means I can not be loved, which manifests as being inappropriately surprised when some one does love me.  It puts unwarranted pressure on lovers, and gives affection a fear tinge.  None of this is abstract, a thought exercise or flight of fancy.

 

Today I picked up my steel and oak, practicing in that brutal way of undirected action.  All power no brains, crunching through the motions.  Drill after drill, cut after cut.  Step by step.  Walking the circle, wrist cuts, elbow cuts, shoulder cuts. Working on kata for kenjutsu and being surprised, by the flow and power.

 

At times one must reach deeply inward amidst failure and pull out what one can. 

I don't expect any one to understand what failure is in this context.  Success is not getting up and doing it.  I used to practice six to seven days a week for an hour a day.  What I did today in two hours would be the warm up getting the body to work and the mind focused on the task of building a nuanced body sense.  

 

"One does not applaud the tenor for clearing his throat. Today was just about the numbers, tomorrow will be about the numbers, the day after, numbers.  It will remain that way until the body relents and the work can begin.  Step this way, not that.  Sink here, rise NOW!  strike smoothly, move slowly be open to what your body is saying.  Read, feel, see the dance that is your training.  That is success and can not be rushed, cheated or explain in other ways so it looks like what you want it to be.  The sword in your hand never lies, but you do.  

 

The practice came a few hours before the mental emotional work kicked in.  I had a long, beautiful , conversation with my lover Arashi  tonight.  I said I was happy, and felt no anxiety.  She at one point said this conversation had a feeling of the times when I would schedule and over do things.  She stated she was not with me to be entertained, but just wanted to be with me.  We talked about other things but mostly we spoke about being and we enjoyed each other's company. 

 

Being with Arashi is work, it takes practice, attention and self control.  None of these things are bad, crisis inducing or a problem.  It does however speak of obligation.  She is trusting me to keep my Word and work.  Work is what produced the understanding of my weakness  and its effect.  If I feel weak, I do not love my self and that is toxic to love presented to me.  Insecurity is the self created knife that slips clean between the ribs.

 

To truly find peace and comfort in what my lovers offer I have to meet my fear and short comings head on.  My honor and sense of self can not operate otherwise. Day by day is the only way.  This is my right thought, leading to right speech and to right action.

Comments

[much_ado]

Trusting the love of others when we don't love (or sometimes even like) ourselves is a hard thing to do, especially without going over into external dependency. This is a challenge I recognize very clearly for myself, and with you right now especially (fighting the temptation to rely on you for what I don't always give myself). So... we each do the work we need to do for ourselves, and figure out what it looks like between us together as we go. Deal?

[raev]

Deal. I am glad we are actively working both together and separately.