Sep. 15th, 2019 02:52 am
Dangerous waters - update processing
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raev "Stay strong, shut up and watch your show. The rest does not matter."
Work is getting better, slowly. NYC is about to get better. I have conditions set for advancement and I will be here a lot longer than I planned, so the next phase is finding a place to live where i can be comfortable. A room, with space for a desk so i can set up a work station with extra screens, an egpu, my color panel, and a mini ETEM switcher. Gear wise I am looking at cost 2,500 to get set up for the work I want to do.
I have an appointment with a real doctor I believe i can trust. I will be starting the process of finding out if my male pumping is in the process of killing me. I am not worried at all about a colonoscopy as my real worry is prostate and colon cancer. I have reasons, they are very real and very distressing, but like most things I am on my own.
Therapy is going well, but the option for the hard road, relive and pick apart and rearrange option is on the table. It is aggressive, dangerous and a nuke from orbit. Not sure if I and ready for that. I am considering it due to my need for emotional strength and stability in the face of trying yet again to restart my participation in a wider world, faced with people, reactions and conditions I don't like. People love to fuck with me, poke and prod. For all of my very real scorched earth ways, some people think they are immune, the exception or clever enough to escape the experience unscathed. My mental health work is simple to make a level platform from which to operate. Clearly my ire is not a deterrent or threat. Being left alone is not an option. It is on me to build up the tools that expand my destructive parameters beyond the current limits. That way when the reflex gets tripped, there is no question about the use of force. I operate with two phase lines around a heavily dug in position, the goal is to add a third and become emotionally nimble. That way there are three chances for people to turn back. Annoying, persistent, stupid and then gone. There are people that are on phase line one which is being told quietly to fuck off and stay away. There are two people who are past that point and are one approach away from being not so quietly, nor privately informed of how unwelcome they are in my presence. Therapy makes me a more efficient killer.
Relationships are a mixed bag. Good on some fronts, not so good on others. I turned down a romantic offer recently as I do not have the band width to even think of adding a person to my romantic life. Nor am I looking for there to be space to add another person. My ego, my sense of worth is not secured by relationships or sex. I seek security in the self. The people who are with me, who I am invested in are there because I want them there, them specifically. They are not a place holder for an unfulfilled need or want for coupling. My partners are wanted for who they are, not what they can do to satisfy an empty feeling.
So that is the world right now as seen at 4 am. Now I am going to shut up and watch my show.
Work is getting better, slowly. NYC is about to get better. I have conditions set for advancement and I will be here a lot longer than I planned, so the next phase is finding a place to live where i can be comfortable. A room, with space for a desk so i can set up a work station with extra screens, an egpu, my color panel, and a mini ETEM switcher. Gear wise I am looking at cost 2,500 to get set up for the work I want to do.
I have an appointment with a real doctor I believe i can trust. I will be starting the process of finding out if my male pumping is in the process of killing me. I am not worried at all about a colonoscopy as my real worry is prostate and colon cancer. I have reasons, they are very real and very distressing, but like most things I am on my own.
Therapy is going well, but the option for the hard road, relive and pick apart and rearrange option is on the table. It is aggressive, dangerous and a nuke from orbit. Not sure if I and ready for that. I am considering it due to my need for emotional strength and stability in the face of trying yet again to restart my participation in a wider world, faced with people, reactions and conditions I don't like. People love to fuck with me, poke and prod. For all of my very real scorched earth ways, some people think they are immune, the exception or clever enough to escape the experience unscathed. My mental health work is simple to make a level platform from which to operate. Clearly my ire is not a deterrent or threat. Being left alone is not an option. It is on me to build up the tools that expand my destructive parameters beyond the current limits. That way when the reflex gets tripped, there is no question about the use of force. I operate with two phase lines around a heavily dug in position, the goal is to add a third and become emotionally nimble. That way there are three chances for people to turn back. Annoying, persistent, stupid and then gone. There are people that are on phase line one which is being told quietly to fuck off and stay away. There are two people who are past that point and are one approach away from being not so quietly, nor privately informed of how unwelcome they are in my presence. Therapy makes me a more efficient killer.
Relationships are a mixed bag. Good on some fronts, not so good on others. I turned down a romantic offer recently as I do not have the band width to even think of adding a person to my romantic life. Nor am I looking for there to be space to add another person. My ego, my sense of worth is not secured by relationships or sex. I seek security in the self. The people who are with me, who I am invested in are there because I want them there, them specifically. They are not a place holder for an unfulfilled need or want for coupling. My partners are wanted for who they are, not what they can do to satisfy an empty feeling.
So that is the world right now as seen at 4 am. Now I am going to shut up and watch my show.