Between Oz and the rest of the World lies the Impassible desert.

[raev]

 I had a dream that my ex sought me out to berate me about everything I ever was with and to her.  From top to pet names and everything between.  My retort came as the sensation of waking occurred.  "You sought me out for this?"

 

So much is locked in the death of this relationship that I find it difficult to move forward cleanly.  I was deeply in love, but it is evident that my (insert icy tone here) "partner" was not and never was.  I was at best and infatuation that satisfied the self professed NRE addiction at word I was a security blanket that it meant nothing to play games with.

 

"Tell me everything"  heaven forfend you miss a detail.  "I am not everybody else." unlike me who was.  "i don't know what I will do if you find another partner." we found out, it was ugly.  "I have had a crush on X forever, now that we are dating I have never been happier."  thank you for your uncustomary honesty.  "I resent you and have been withdrawing for a year and a half."  I am so glad to know I noticed right away.

 

As I said they loved the idea of a relationship, who it was did not matter. They didn't and never did love me.  I was symptom, a reflection of their feelings of loss, emptiness and failure.  None of the matters tho, what I have in my hands  is the muck affecting me now.  An emotional cancer weeding through my current and future relationships.  The echos of my own stupidity creates barriers, insecurities, resentments an urge to lash out before the other she drops.  It is work to not withdraw, to not become shallow.  

 

I do not blame my ex for being who she is, that would be like blaming the ocean for the tides.  That being said there will never be even the smallest drop of kindness between us.  There is a price for being horrid.

 

What lays ahead of me is work and choice,  getting beyond the roots and muck of this, my Yesidril.